Hey, I’ve decided to try and ease up on the computer a little. Not too much, just enough to regain some more sanity. Don’t expect me to be on 24/7, but I should be on a few hours a day in the afternoon. I just need to recollect myself.
a friend told me that once he put a “take one only” sign on a bowl of candy at his house, then he dressed up as a stuffed scarecrow and sat on a chair near the bowl of candy. so when some of the older kids went to take a handful of candy…
I was always hoping to be able to do something like this lol
People who act so wonderful and so understanding, and yet they just don’t understand it. AT ALL. They may understand what it feels like to feel insufficient, but they don’t know how it feels to have to deal with the feeling every single day, always eating at you every time you interact with someone else. When someone moderately attractive talks to you, you feel ugly. When someone who looks absolutely perfect talks to you, you’re so beyond jealous and so beyond insecure that you just can’t help but be more nonchalant as usual, because you just can’t take it.
And people wonder why I’m always trying to hide.
Lemme tell you: I’m always trying to hide because I’d rather keep my ugly face under a paper bag than show it off. I’m always trying to hide because I’m fat and I don’t have the kind of willpower it takes to become thin. I’m always trying to hide because I have no talent or social skills whatsoever.
That’s why I’m always hiding: because I’m not good enough to be a part of society.
This isn’t aimed at anyone here, by the way. You guys here on Tumblr are extremely supportive and I do believe you guys when you say you know how I feel.
I have had it with these perfect couples! I have had it with super skinny girls always getting the things I want without any effort at all! I have had it with being occupied and not feeling ready for guys, and I’ve had it with never feeling like I could even catch a guy’s attention!
I’VE HAD IT. I’ve had it with kisses and dates and sex and everything that I WON’T EVER HAVE because I’m ugly and fat. I’ve HAD IT with never having eyes for anybody because I JUST CAN’T FIND WHAT I REALLY WANT! And you know what makes me the sickest?
THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER BE THIS PERFECT THIN GIRL THAT I WANT TO BE SO BADLY, AND THAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE EVER SINCE I WAS YOUNGER!!
And YES, I’ve tried. I don’t have the willpower. I don’t have the focus it takes. I don’t want to become cold as I become thin.
If I weren’t so afraid of how much it would hurt, I’d have already killed myself.
Both imperfect and perfect men marry perfect women, who have perfect marriages and produce perfect children, and they go to a perfect school in a perfect town, and live in a perfect house. And, although struggles come, they live a happy life and the perfect children go off to marry other perfect people and the perfect couple grows perfectly old together.
That’s a life for many, but it’s a life for me.
I’ll put my head into my work. Never marry, only work to take care of myself and even send money to my family if they need it. Just live alone and work. I may be a genius at work, and become a great storyteller and be praised for comics or books or something, but…I’ll never marry, I’ll never have kids, and I’ll never live in a perfect house.